The original poster (OP), who shared her experience on Reddit’s Relationship Advice forum, explained that she received a call from the state police department. They reached out to her to potentially interview her about her ex-boyfriend’s character, as he had provided her name as a reference for his job application.

The woman recounted how her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, a police officer, ended when she discovered that he had cheated on her with a woman he was actively training. Faced with this betrayal, she is now contemplating whether she should disclose the truth to the police department or simply ignore the situation and move forward with her life.

Continue reading to find out the unfolding details of this complicated situation and how members of the Reddit community reacted to her dilemma.

OP elaborated on her situation, sharing that she is a 27-year-old woman who received a call from the state police, asking her to serve as a reference for her ex-boyfriend, who is also 27 years old. She explained that he had cheated on her with a female officer he was training, raising significant concerns about his character.

“Should I simply decline to provide a reference by remaining unresponsive, or do I need to inform them about the truth?” she pondered aloud in her post, indicating her uncertainty about the best course of action.

The woman detailed that she had known her ex-boyfriend for six years, two of which were spent living together as housemates before they began a romantic relationship that lasted one and a half years. At the time of their relationship, he was employed by a smaller city’s police department, which adds an interesting dynamic to her situation.

She went on to explain that their relationship ended when she found incriminating messages indicating that he was pursuing a woman who was actively training under him. He held a position of authority in deciding whether she was qualified to enter the department, which raises serious ethical questions about their interactions.

Additionally, OP claimed that she discovered text messages he had sent to friends, wherein they disparaged her with derogatory terms, despite the fact that there were no active issues in their relationship at the time. This revelation added another layer of betrayal to her already complicated feelings about the situation.

“I suspect that he may have done this to manipulate his image and avoid being seen as the ‘bad guy,’ especially since I felt completely blindsided by his actions, given that we shared a long-standing relationship with minimal conflicts,” she reflected.

OP mentioned that her ex must have recently applied for a position with the state police, which is why the department contacted her for a character reference. The call came shortly after his application submission, raising her concerns about his integrity.

“While he may not have exhibited overt red flags such as physical abuse, he demonstrated a significant lack of integrity throughout our relationship and employed various manipulative tactics, even after I had concrete evidence of his relationship with this woman,” she added, before posing her questions to the Reddit community.

“First, should I follow up with the police and inform them that we broke up due to his relationship with a trainee officer? Secondly, how much will this information affect his chances of getting the job? Finally, what consequences would arise if I choose to remain silent?” she asked, expressing her current inclination towards non-responsiveness.

“I hold no vendetta against this man; it has been over a year and a half since our breakup, and I feel emotionally detached. However, I don’t want him to think that I would defend him or his reputation, especially since I never received an apology for everything that transpired,” OP wrote, seeking the community’s collective thoughts on the matter.

The majority of Reddit users appeared to strongly encourage OP to respond to the police department’s inquiry and disclose her ex-boyfriend’s inappropriate relationship with the woman he was training. They felt it was crucial for the integrity of the police force.

“You should definitely inform them. We have enough problematic officers out there. You have the power to prevent another one from being hired,” one user wrote in a popular comment, to which another added, “This is like a Smokey the Bear public service announcement: ‘Only you can prevent bad cops.’”

“If I were in your shoes, I would certainly let them know about his romantic involvement with someone he was training. Such individuals should not be allowed to serve as police officers,” another Redditor advised, emphasizing the importance of integrity in law enforcement.

OP continued to provide further details in response to Redditors, revealing that her ex-boyfriend is still in a relationship with the woman he cheated on her with and trained. This ongoing relationship raises further questions about the ethical implications of their involvement.

“As a former police officer and trainer, I strongly advise you to report this romantic relationship with his trainee. It poses a major integrity issue. Who knows what he might do in the future if given access to more female recruits? Did his previous department ever find out?” one commenter asked, empathizing with OP’s situation.

In her response, the woman provided additional context about her ex and his current relationship based on what she knows, indicating that there are still concerns about their professional conduct.

“It’s interesting because as soon as I discovered about his infidelity, I cut off all ties, so I’m unaware of the exact dynamics of their relationship now. However, based on what I’ve heard from other officers’ girlfriends from the same department, they are indeed in a romantic relationship at present,” she explained, expressing her concerns about their ongoing professional interactions.

Another Redditor responded, suggesting that OP’s ex’s relationship with his trainee might have initially been kept under wraps, or perhaps the higher-ups simply do not care unless someone files a formal harassment complaint or takes legal action.

“Regardless, this is a serious issue. It is crucial that you report it. Try to remain as impartial as possible when providing information, and avoid adding any emotional bias. Present whatever evidence you have regarding the affair while she was in training, and leave it at that,” the commenter advised, emphasizing the importance of straightforwardness in such matters.

“Once again, I’m sorry that your ex was such a jerk,” they added, expressing sympathy for her situation.

Another user echoed similar sentiments, urging OP to “tell them the truth in a calm and composed manner.”

“Make a list of what he did, such as: 1. While in a position of power, he had an affair with his trainee. 2. His judgment determined whether the trainee got the job. 3. You discovered messages where he slandered you to his friends. 4. He attempted to gaslight you, lied, and manipulated events after you uncovered the affair,” another Redditor suggested, providing a clear strategy for OP.

“You cannot, in good conscience, provide him with a positive character reference. When you speak with them, avoid using profanity or exaggeration. Be direct, composed, and straightforward in your delivery. I believe he chose you as a reference because he thought you would be too intimidated to tell the truth,” the commenter continued, offering practical advice for how to handle the situation.

OP replied to the commenter, acknowledging, “Your last point really resonates with me – I had considered that as a possibility as well.”

Meanwhile, another Redditor offered a distinctly different perspective on the situation.

“All the department needs to know is whether he was physically abusive, threatened you, or engaged in illegal drug use while in your presence. No law enforcement agency is concerned with whether he called you names or was a bad boyfriend,” they noted. “Given the high divorce rates among police officers, it’s generally understood that they may not make the best partners. There’s a clear distinction between illegal actions and merely immoral behavior.”

OP responded, agreeing with the sentiment shared, “I completely agree with this perspective.”

“I suppose what distinguishes this situation is that he was dishonest with a woman he was training, and he had a say in whether she would meet the requirements to join the department. This thought process is why I was also considering not answering the call at all,” she replied, expressing her inner conflict.

What are your thoughts on this complex situation?